my thoughts tend to drive me insane.

God I can't wait to go to new jersey...technically tomorrow.

I think I have to catch my breath before I write this. I've been forced to do that a lot lately...before I can even think, because this intense heat builds in me...I can feel it in my chest, in my head, in my heart. I'm hurt and I'm so angry. Okay, so I know I post a lot of shit about Anthony and it's usually the same...talking shit and saying I'm done. When I never was...not even close.

Recap of the past year:  Anthony and I became best friends about this time last year. Everyone said he was an asshole, but I never saw it...ever. Then after a couple of months, we started dating. I've told him more than I have ever told anyone, I think. All of my emotions, my fears, my insecurities, my battles, my issues...because I wanted to. He made me feel like I could really open up to him. He was so sensitive and caring. He could make me laugh no matter what...and I mean really laugh, all the time.

Fast forward...we go through make ups and break ups but I never doubted our feelings for one another. I never fully trusted him because that's just how I am. I cheated on him once with Steven...just a kiss while I was drunk. He made me feel so guilty. I never really thought he would cheat.

Most recent...for my birthday, he didn't even get me a card. just a six pack of beer and that was that. He started acting really sketchy and everytime he got around his guys from work, he'd be awful to me. So during my birthday weekend I was really upset and he just kept telling me that he was going to fix everything...that he loved me more than anything and he wasnt going to lie anymore and all the things I thought he meant. That same day he told me those things, was the day before I left for Key West. He came over to my house the night before I left (on a saturday) because he wanted to say bye and all that. He told me he didn't want to go out after he left..that he was tired and just wanted to go home and go to bed. He texted me and told me he was home and that he wished I was with him because he missed me so much already. When I was on my trip, he was acting like he didn't give a shit about me and was being sketchy as usual.

I found out when I was in Key West that the night he came to say goodbye to me and after he left said he went to bed wishing I was there. He LIED. He actually went to Savannah's (nasty strip club) and spent a lot of money on lap dances with his creepy friend from work...even though he always complained about not having money.  And even though he told me he would never go to a strip club bc he thinks they are nasty and awkward and that I'm the only one he wanted. On my birthday weekend...when he said he wasnt going to lie anymore. Not only did I find that out...but I also found out that he cheated on my a couple of times while we were dating...he fucked a 14 year old girl and someone else. Plus, he made out with Michael's sister (only bc she wouldn't fuck him) while we were broken up for a week but told me he didnt while still making me feel guilty for kissing someone. He made all his friends think that I'm the bitch in the situation...that I'm the one hurting him.

So, this person I've been with for a year was completely different from who I thought he was. I told him I never wanted to speak to him and he pretty much didnt care. Then texted me a couple days later and sort of apologized. Now, for some reason he's texted me everyday saying how much he misses me and regrets everything he's done and all this shit but I haven't responded...because I know that he's also texting a girl that just turned 16 a couple of days ago. It's sick. He's 21 years old. Not to mention, he's texting me shit that he stopped doing while we were dating so I don't know what the fuck he wants from me. I guess I wasn't enough for him.
 
I guess I'm not really making sense....

All I know is that I'm lost. I feel like a fucking idiot for not seeing the real him all along. I feel like I gave my heart to someone that took advantage of me and used me for all that I was. I feel betrayed and disgusted. I feel like I'm not good enough or that I must have done something to make him do all the things he did. I feel like he has really hated me this whole time...that he just told me what he thought I wanted to hear.

Mostly I feel stupid because I miss him. I miss him so much even though he did all of those horrible things to me. I built him up as much as I could...I made him feel special bc he was special to me. And now I'm just here, alone. With nothing good to show from our relationship. While he's out fucking highschool girls and getting over me as we speak.

I would just like to take the time to bitch...


Good god I am so stressed out this week. On Friday, Anthony and I had a huge/super embarrassing/typical fight. Not just any fight...it was in front of a ton of people and there was yelling and throwing things involved. Well, Anthony threw things and I yelled and later cried but that's besides the point. Fuckkk.

Then Saturday night I went to the ER because my throat was killing me and I was breaking out in some sort of rash everywhere. It turns out it was a sort of viral infection. Then I got medicine and have been taking it only to have the rash come back full force all over my arms in class this morning. Shoot me, please.

Not to mention I just failed my first precal test and I studied foreverrr. Then when I was walking home from my class, this guy in a truck put on his cleaning fluid and windshield wipers as he was driving right past me and it sprayed all over me.  Oh joy. I also have to get my crazy fucking landlord to fix the window Steven broke while intoxicated when he was here. Plus I have to pay for it since he never even offered. But unfortunately I don't have any money. 

To top it all off, now I have a 4 page paper that's due tomorrow and 3 tests on Friday.

FUCKKK. Okay, I'm sorry for complaining so much...I just had to get it out.

Cola this weekend!

I don't feel good and I threw up- gross. Vodka doesn't agree with me!

I apologize for that ranting I did in the previous entry...god I'm dramatic, but it would just be weird if I wasn't because I always have been and I always will. So is Anthony...so it's hard not to break up all the time and have vicious arguments that include mainly sarcastic/nasty comments back and forth. Oh well!

I'm really excited because Anthony is taking me out to dinner and then the nutcracker on Saturday because I'm gay and like stuff like that :)

But anyways, I'm starving since I threw up all my lunch so I'm gonna go eat something really fatty and delicious!

of my fucking "best friends" had sex with my ex boyfriend. what is wrong with people?

On another note, Anthony says all of my friends are "cheating sluts." Well, he just lost this "slut." I'm so sick of the bullshit view that those guys have about all girls being sluts..wah wah, why don't you fucking cry over girls "fucking you over" a little more. It's pathetic and they probably cheated on their girlfriends with 16 year old little girls anyways so who gives a fuck. I don't deserve being ignored and verbally abused, so fuck him.

I am beyond ecstatic for Thanksgiving break. I feel like I haven't been home in forever and I miss Columbia. Plus I am sooo worn out from the past couple of weeks. Classes have been kicking my ass and I'm a little sick.

 I've decided that I'm not ready to let Anthony go. I love him and I haven't felt this way in a really long time. He's coming to Charleston tonight, and I just want to lay in bed all weekend because he's the one person that helps me to actually relax. Kyle's coming tomorrow too! We're all going to go to La Ha and drink margaritas...(well Anthony will probably get his own pitcher of budweiser haha but still), I can't wait.

On another exciting note...I only have 1 more pound to lose until I reach my goal weight. Haha I know it's stupid, but I never thought I could actually do it. It was really hard and no, I didn't do coke or anything else to lose it. Just eating healthy and exercising.  I lost about 45 lbs and roughly 4 sizes. Somehow though, I don't think I'll ever be happy with my body. It's sad that I always used to think..."If only I was skinny." It's scary actually because I'm still just as insecure about my weight. I hate lacking confidence, but it's something I'm pretty good at.

I've turned into the girl that I said I would never become again. The insecure, suspicious, drag of a person that no guy in his right mind would want to be with. Granted, every single guy I have ever had feelings for has been dishonest, on numerous occasions but that doesn't justify pathetic behavior. I'm crying. I have been for the past couple of days. I stopped for a while, and now here I am a complete mess over someone that most likely doesn't deserve my continuous devastation. It's the ultimate relationship that I've always looked down on. Impulsive, unstable, unhealthy, and completely addictive. "You're better than him."  It's something I hear more often than not and no matter how many times or how many people I ask for advice, which is most likely good, I listen to myself. I throw myself inside this whirlwind of emotions and let downs. I allow myself to be treated a certain way because honestly, I don't think I'm better than him. Sometimes he's the most caring, sensitive, loving guy that makes me laugh harder than anyone ever could. He's my best friend and someone that I allow myself to pour my entire heart out to. Other times...I feel like the joke's on me. I'm always hearing about something that reveals an omission or just flat out lie. He lies, he says harsh words, and sometimes I feel like he doesn't even want to be with me. And yet, it gets harder and harder to even conceive of letting him go. 

To sum it up, since I'm probably not making sense...I have no idea what to do about Anthony, and it's hurting me more than anything has in a very long time.